Confessions of a Total World Dominator

I would like to take a moment to thank the company who makes Swiffer mops, and the company of the Pledge wet "things that you put on those mops"....Not only do they get my kitchen and bathroom floors sparkling clean, but they make a hell of an insect killer!!!! So yeah, I had just finished eating a rather satisfying meal of Velveeta Shells and Cheese (thanks to that company as well!), when I got up to put the rest in the fridge. I was happily making my way to the stove when I looked up at the wall....there, just sitting on the wall staring at me was one of the few things worse than spiders (one of those being the gigantic man eating squid, but I'm not likely to find one of those crawling around my house).....the...dun dun DUN!!! The Centipede! It scared the living crap out of me, and I immediately panicked, should I ignore it? Should I call 911, should I call my landlord, should I move out...I didn't know what to do. All I did know was that I wasn't going to touch it. (I'm squirming at the thought of the whole thing) So I sat down at my table and tried to think through things rationally)....I called my dad. The conversation went a little like this....

Dad: "Hello?"

Me: Hey! What'cha doin?

Dad: You don't wanna know.

Me: "Why not?"

Dad "Believe me you don't, you'll think it's really disgusting..."

Me: Thinking for a moment, and then deciding that I really didn't want to know...."Does it have anything to do with Centipedes?"

Dad: I don't think so...at least I don't see any around...it is a damp place though, so they're likely to be somewhere around here...."

Me: (interrupting him) "Okay that's great....Well there's this really ugly one sitting on the wall behind my stove."

Dad: Well kill it!

Me: How? He's really ugly, I don't want to touch him."

Dad: Squish him!

Me: With what?

Dad: With a paper towel or a kleenex, a shoe?

Me: Uh..that's getting a little closer than I would like to be....

Dad: Then smash him with a broom...they don't jump Tracy...

Me: Do they fly?

Dad: Uh...not that I know of....

Me: Do they bite or congregate in millions?

Dad: (Preparing to give one of his famous science lessons) Well don't try to find out if they bite, but if there's one generally there's another one somewhere. They like dark places, so they're most likely hiding behind things....

Me: (Stopping him before he gives me the completely scientific name of the creature, plus how to tell if it's male or female etc.) Okay...I'll try to kill it....Do you think my hamster would eat it? Could I just bring him out here and tell him to go after it? NO...the ugly thing would probably kill my baby....

Dad: Well what good is a hamster then?

Me: He's just cute...I guess....Oh goodness that thing is so ugly!

Dad: Your hamster? I thought you just said that he was cute!

Me: No, the centipede!

Dad: Well I'm sure he's not ugly to other centipedes, you're probably pretty ugly to him....

Me: No I'm much cuter than him!

Dad: Probably not from his point of view...

Me: Whatever...okay, I'm going to go kill it now...

Dad: Okay, be brave, good luck!

Me: I'll try, thanks, have a great day!

Thank God for dads who will at least talk to you when you're freaking out over a bug! I would have rather had him come here and kill it for me, but I needed to face this battle on my own, for the good of all humanity....I went by the fridge to get the broom. The creature moved a little but stayed in the same general area...I decided to put my coping mechanism into play. I promptly named him and baptized him with fake water. I named the leggy critter, Francis, and explained what I was about to do to him. "It's nothing personal Francis..." I began "But I can't have you in my apartment, We already have three living things in here , and there's no room for you. Now unless you just crawl down to the floor and out the front door, I'm afraid that I'm going to have to extinguish your life. Do you have any last requests?" He did nothing, and I just stood there with the broom, I couldn't bring myself to hit him, I was too afraid that I would miss and he would scurry behind the stove only to turn up again somewhere else. I put the broom down, he taunted me by wiggling his antennas...."Oh, don't you tease me! " I snapped..."You're about to die and there's nothing you can do about it!" I found the swiffer mop, and put one of the wet sheets on it, the beautiful thing about the mop was that I could stand six feet away, and just press the flat bottom part against the wall, smashing the centipede, as well as making my wall gleam with cleanliness! I held the mop ready to strike....I felt like I was in a war...okay maybe not... "Come on Trace, it's just like playing pool..." I aimed towards Francis and fired...only my aim was off, and I only smashed his top half, so I was forced to watch him struggle for a few seconds before going limp. It was a little traumatic....Then I was able to make him stick to the cloth, and wrap up the little corpse and throw him away....I had obtained victory! Go me!

So yeah, I conquered the ugly creature, but now I'm going slightly delerious thinking they're all over the place....I shudder with the thought. The daycare center I used to work at was infested with them....and they weren't small either. We found them in the sink, on the walls of the play rooms, in the bathroom, in the kids' toys, scurrying across the floor during free play time...it was awful. Why did God create them? I would much rather deal with spiders, and that's saying a lot!!!!!

So that's my story, just thought that I would share....if it was boring, oh well....I tried... I wish that it would snow! We were supposed to have five inches on the ground by this morning, and I woke up to a cold, rainy miserable day! Very disappointed I am! When they tell me it's gonna snow, it better snow! Oh well....I guess I'll get over it...eventually....