Confessions of a Total World Dominator

WARNING WARNING!!!!!! IF YOU ARE EASILY VIOLATED BY ME DO NOT READ THE ENTRY BELOW!!! IF YOU DO READ AND END UP VIOLATED...DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YA!!!!!!!! : )
I'm sitting here eating Jello with a fork pondering the age old question do penguins really just hang around the South Pole all day, flocking and jumping into the water, or is there something they're hiding. Such as the ability to knit or play rugby, or do they have Jimmy Hoffa?????? I have our resident penguin, Tyrone Marcel here, to answer that question. Now I am aware that you, my audience cannot see me from where you are reading this, so I will have to describe Tyrone's responses to you as he is unable to speak. Welcome Tyrone Marcel, how are you doing this evening?...okay he's nodding and and shaking my hand with his wing, I think that means he's doing well. Uh Are you enjoying your stay in St. Kacy's Place? ....Again he's nodding and now he's jumping up and down....Good I'm glad We really enjoy having you here, Tyrone. You scare the boys half to death when we glare at them because they have forgotten to pet you! Now Tyrone, I have a question for you, my listeners and I are dying to know the answer to this one, so please answer me as honestly as possible. Do penguins really just hang around the South Pole all day? And if they do not what do they really do? Are they hiding something? A secret ability perhaps? A plot to take over the world? Drugs? A cure for Cancer? Jimmy Hoffa? What are you hiding?!!!!
Wait Ty, what are you doing? Oh no no no no, calm down. Put down the heavy blunt object, you're going to hurt yourself, something, or me....Somebody get him out of here! We'll be back after these messages.....

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Okay, now that we've taken care of that....it's story time. Tracy had quite the exciting day today, and it's time for all of you...my faithful followers...to share in it. (Pipe in cheesy story music here) For those of you that read Kay's blog today, you may have noticed that I was missing for a short time this afternoon. Well I know where I was, what's wrong with you people...???? So I came out of Social Problems class today, and I started to a few problems of my own, only they weren't social, they were quite individual. They were lower abdomen pain type problems. It got so bad I couldn't really walk or move, and I was sweating, and was very disoriented and felt as if I was going to pass out. So I called people. You know! That's the best time to catch up on the latest gossip! : ) Well actually I called people to take me to the hospital because I seriously thought something was torn to shreds inside of me. My parents ended up coming to get me, and they both came up to the second floor of Olscamp which was slightly embarrassing, because they were ultra concerned, and were asking me super personal questions as loud as possible in front of people. Gotta love it when parents care! I got carted to the ER, and got in surprisingly quickly, I got in just before the mad rush. This nice little old man (yes me and the little old men again!) came in and played the doctor, well actually he was a doctor, but you never know over there at Wood County. He checked me over and asked me all sorts of doctorly questions, and then decided to run some tests on me. So I got taken to another room where they took some blood. Actually three people showed up to take my blood, but only person got the honor of being the vampire. I could have cared less, I'm so used to getting stuck they could have all had a shot at me at the same time and I wouldn't have noticed anything. Then I had two minutes of the beloved pelvic exam where they stick that lovely (okay it's going to get graphic so stop now if you need to) speculum of fun in a place it shouldn't be stuck and they explore.... I freaked out, because the last time I had this done, they didn't use this instrument so this was very new, and I didn't like it. So the doctor stopped after two minutes and told me that he wasn't going to put me through any more of this misery. Yea!!!! So I thought that I was out of the woods. Then the nurse came in, she said that she had some bad news, I was to go in for an ultrasound. I didn't think this sounded so bad, but then she said that this meant that I had to have a catheter put in in order to fill my bladder so they could get a better look at things. I winced, but said that I could deal with it.So they came in and put the thing on me, it was nice and awkward, but kind of cool, because i could sit and watch Rosie and not have to get up and go to the bathroom because I had this tube attached to my urethra...It's a crazy world out there! I waited for more than half an hour before someone came in to wheel me down the ultra sound room. It was really cool being wheeled around on a stretcher thing. I haven't done that since I was five or something. I felt really exposed, but it was an entertaining little ride. I was talking away to the nurses, and they would switch off to different ones as they went down the hall. It was pretty cool. So this nice lady did the ultrasound for me. But in order to do it, they had to fill my bladder up with a liquid. She told me that it would get a little uncomfortable, but to relax. So I said fine, no problem. So she started the fluid, and it was really weird, because your not supposed to fill the bladder that way. So it was goin, and I was like this isn't bad at all, and the nurse and talked and talked, about school, and stuff. Then it got a little more uncomfortable, but not too bad, so took a deep breath, and continued talking. Then it continued to get a little worse, and I thought oh we must be almost done, it's starting to feel like a bad roadtrip. I said this out loud and the nurse smiled and said, oh no Tracy, you're not even half way full yet.... I think I must have gone completely white at that point. As I felt it get worse and worse. One of the other nurses came in and started a conversation, I began to whimper, the conversation continued, I began to cry, tears streaming down my face, I'm squiriming all over the bed. This is the worst "I've gotta pee moment in all of history" 100 times worse than that cross country roadtrip from Hell where you drank 10 20 oz bottles of Mtn Dew, and haven't stopped since Pittsburgh, and have made it to Salt Lake City. And the most terrible thing about this moment, is it is unrelievable. You can just give up and decide that you don't care, and let go, and nothing happens. Nothing comes out, because there's fluid currently going where it would be coming out. I was in this predicament for ten minutes, and she let it out, and let me tell you, if I didn't want to kiss her feet then.... At that moment it was like the best pee I've ever had.... sorry, but it was, so then I had x-rays, then I was taken back to my room where I watched the news for another half hour, before Dr. Desmond came into to tell me when I was going to die. Actually he told me that they didn't find anything. I just looked at him. How can there be nothing, when I was in that much pain for that long!?? He said that I may be a little constipated, but that's about it...whatever....I would have noticed that, but I haven't, so I went on my merry little way, and told him that I would be back if the pain came back. He said good, because he hadn't completely ruled out my appendix yet!
So that was today's magical story....If you're still awake by now, go buy yourself a gift! I recommend some Crayola Model Magic Clay. That's what I bought myself tonight, for being such a good girl at the hospital! I have it in 12 colors! Good good stuff!
Well since this thing has turned into my latest novel, and I'm exhausted and really want to go to bed, I'm going to run for now! Have a most wonderful day, night, evening, morning, Christmas, New Year, Purim, Independence Day, Boxing Day, Third festival of the waxing cow, Arbor Day, Easter, whatever! Love you all!

A YELLOW Dragon Lies Beneath!